BESPOKE DARNING FOR THE DISCERNING DICK-HEAD
From a customer base never lightly offended, the Mendication Corporation solicits old sweaters — begging ceaselessly, disgracefully, writhing in the mud for rags.*
Rips and tears, fraying edges, and the random gaping hole — right in the middle of it all, or, a stain, entirely sans raison d’être – such are the textile afflictions that plague today the ageing sweater. They are maladies that we resolve to remedy in our sartorial surgery by reimagining, reshaping and — most meaningfully — by rebranding. We use a proprietary Logopatch process of cloned and pathologically proliferating logos to cover the offending lesions. (Sweaters in impossibly elliptical conditions, displaying memory gaps, gulfs in understanding, knowledge lacunae and the occasional lapse in good taste, are, of course, irredeemable.)
As professional purveyors of patches, we pride ourselves on having finally invented a unique and purely pragmatic ploy for the otherwise unjustified display of brand names. So, if you, damn right, are a fastidious dresser, or a pedant with a penchant for subtly détourned classics, now is the time to crave quality while not cringing at the ostentation! Please consider a comission: send us your sweater, press ‘buy back’ in the online store and we shall deliver your garment to you, abysmally absolved (of holes), as a public service indulgence (while delivering landfills from perfectly fine fabrics).
As regards this power of recycled labelwear to assist in the salvation of the polar bear, we hold only moderate illusions. But we certainly think it is a step in the right direction. Moreover, as the planet’s first supremely ethical corporation, we strive to place skilled seamstresses from outside the traditional employment sector within a schema of social entrepreneurship whose scope for growth should be sustainable and unsurpassed.
* None of this is archetypal corporate behaviour but we believe in the power of rebel-headed thinking to engender innovation.